The Butterfly Effect
by brandstifterin
Summary: The phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere. One person's actions cause unforeseen reactions down the line. A story of hurt and of healing.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

 **Hello again to you all, this story has been bubbling away on the back-burners for several months and I figured now would be the best time to get it done. I don't know if anything like this has been done before...**

 **Just a few bits of housekeeping before we get going...**

 **The usual disclaimers – I'm only playing in the Holby City and BBC Sandbox, I solemnly swear I'm up to no good but will try to put the characters back where I found them when I'm done with them.**

 **In this universe, Edward doesn't suddenly decide he's an alcoholic and start drinking at any and every opportunity; in fact, although he's a bit of an idiot, he's a vaguely competent anaesthetist (this is TV Land after all) and that isn't going to alter and he never left. Oh and the canon Holby time line is pretty much completely ignored so if things like that put a bee in your bonnet, don't say I didn't warn you. AU all the way!**

 **Warning - this won't be a happy tale, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel but if you want fluff and cuteness, this isn't it so look away now.**

 **After all that...**

 **…**

"Come on, come on."

Serena Campbell just about manages to get through her front door before the nausea hits her and she sinks to her knees on the hard floor of her hallway. Shutting her eyes, she breathes deeply, willing the sensation to pass without incident, trying to focus on staying upright and not vomit, knowing that there is nothing in her stomach to bring up if she does start to retch.

Eventually the pounding in her head, linked to her elevated heart rate starts to recede but her arms and legs feel leaden. It takes several more minutes before Serena feels like she can move without feeling like she going to lose consciousness and a couple of deep breaths do little to ease the trembling which has taken over. Her left hand connects with the front door and pushes it shut, she's glad to hear the latch click shut before leaning against it, taking the opportunity to remove her boots before slowly pushing herself up onto her feet and staggers along the hallway to the living room, the short journey taking far longer than it should.

Serena is exhausted and positively collapses onto the sofa, sliding down onto her left-hand side until her head is resting on a cushion, the position she finds herself in is ungainly, unladylike but she doesn't have the energy to care. It crosses Serena's mind that she needs to eat something but the thought of food makes her stomach roll and she rapidly abandons that plan, instead focusing on not being sick.

Eleanor is back from University later tonight and Serena will need all her energy reserves to make her daughter believe that everything is normal – she can deal with Ric Griffin and the problems he's causing later. A harsh sound escapes the consultant, the second that Eleanor claps eyes on her mother, she will know that something is very wrong. She is so tired and her eyes are half-lidded and getting heavier by the moment, Serena gives up the fight against sleep, wanting just to rest for a while.

Later, Serena doesn't know how long she's been asleep, she slowly wakes, drowsily aware that the sun is lower in the sky than earlier, the lack of sunlight is soothing and urging her to close her eyes again and drift off to sleep again.

"Eleanor..."

The thought of her daughter coming home and finding her in this state, passed out on the sofa is enough to rouse Serena, the consultant slowly bending her knees and groaning as she turns onto her side, hands against the sofa as she strains to raise herself to sitting up.

'At least the trembling has stopped', Serena thinks to herself, thankful for small mercies and she stands up too quickly, the movement making her sway on unsteady feet. The dizziness passes and Serena moves away from the sofa towards the unlit kitchen, she curses loudly to herself as she catches her leg on the corner of the wooden kitchen table but steadies herself, rubbing the affected area for a few seconds knowing that it will inevitably bruise, all she seems to do these days is bruise and moves towards the sink.

The splash of cold water to her face makes Serena gasp, wakes her up and makes her open her eyes. She stands at the sink, avoiding her reflection in the window in front of her, not wanting to see the dark bruises around her eyes or the drawn skin. A glance at the clock tells her it's later than she thought and she needs to get a move on with rustling something up for her daughter's dinner.

Serena turns to reach for the fridge to see what food she has in there but never makes it, the still wet hand which had been holding her upright slips against the wet porcelain sink and Serena pitches forward, hitting the side of her head hard against the kitchen unit as she falls.

The consultant doesn't move from where she lies, unaware of the red wetness slowly escaping from the injury, creating a visible blood stain on the cold kitchen floor.

 **…**

AN2: Ouch!

Just a short chapter to kick us off. Any guesses as to where we're heading?

Your thoughts, as always are gratefully received.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Deliberately ambiguous start with the first chapter; thanks for the reviews, appreciated as always. Got most of this written out but work is manic so the finishing touches are taking a while. Nearly taking as long as our favourite Swede to have more than a few seconds on screen at a time...**

* * *

 **3 months earlier**

It shouldn't have bothered her.

It was only another off-the-cuff remark from Edward, another one that she can add to the rather extensive collection of instances over the past thirty years that her ex-husband has spoken without first engaging what little grey matter he has. So it shouldn't have bothered her; she knows perfectly well what Edward is like by now and despite spending the rest of the shift telling herself she _isn't_ bothered, she is.

The day had started off as any other, a cool, overcast yet dry Thursday; it was a particularly quiet and uneventful shift. The staff were secretly grateful for the respite, it seemed that half of Holby's population had been admitted into various wards of the hospital over the past fortnight needing some manner of medical attention and Serena and the other senior members of staff are waiting warily for the other half of Holby to do something stupid in an attempt to outdo their friends.

Serena wandered back onto Keller in her raspberry scrubs – she'd been in theatre, slicing and dicing a routine elective hernia. The operation was as straightforward as she could have hoped for and it proceeded without a hitch, Edward was even behaving himself as the anaesthetist and they had had some music on as Mrs. Stevens' hernia was swiftly dealt with. The patient was now back on the ward and baring any unexpected developments, Serena would be discharging her sooner rather than later, all in all, it was shaping up to be a rare good day.

Making her way through the double door which separate the main ward from the scrub room and high dependency unit, Serena makes her way to the nurses' station to be aware of a conversation between Edward and Chantelle Lane.

"Are you coming, Ms. Campbell?"

"Hmm?" Hearing her name, Serena looks up from her iPad to find the blonde nurse looking expectantly at her, trademark grin in place.

"Are you coming to the party for Paeds?" She explains again, her enthusiasm clear to hear. "It's fancy dress." Chantelle adds brightly and Edward laughs, turning to face her, eyes alight.

"I wasn't aware I'd been invited." She tells the nurse, hoping that will be the end of the matter – if Edward hadn't dive-bombed back into her life she might have gone but there's no way she is going to socialise with her ex-husband around. Alcohol and Edward is not the recipe for a successful evening as far as she's concerned these days.

"Everyone's invited," Chantelle replies in a tone of voice which suggests that Serena is being silly.

"Yes, well, it's not really my thing." She adds, trying to concentrate on the screen in her hands. Hoping that the nurse will get the hint without her having to blunt about it.

"It always used to be, Serena." Edward grins at her as she raises her eyes to look at her ex-husband, unamused and wanting desperately to make a snide comment but Chantelle's presence prevents her from doing so, she doesn't have any desire to drag up old issues in front of the nurse. Serena finds that Chantelle means well but has a habit of inadvertently mentioning things she shouldn't. "We could go together as muppets, I could be Kermit and you can be Miss Piggy. What do you say?" Serena stares at Edward but barely sees his grin.

" _I could be Kermit and you can be Miss Piggy."_

The sound of Chantelle's high-pitched shock galvanises Serena into action and she blinks, mentally shaking herself and waves away the nurse's concern. "It's fine, don't worry, I'm quite used to Edward being a muppet."

"What? What did I say?" She hears Edward exclaim and Serena just shakes her head and walks away to get changed, suddenly trying not to feel self-conscious in her bright red scrubs; she can hear Chantelle speaking but can't hear what the nurse is saying and in all honesty, she doesn't want to know – she feels humiliated enough as it is.

Making it to the staff changing room, Serena nips inside and locks the door; a quick check confirms that she's on her own in the small room before she exhales slowly, eyes closed. Resolutely determined to ignore the latest attempt by Edward to embarrass her, Serena angrily tugs the raspberry scrub top off over her head, stood just in the equally unflattering raspberry scrub trousers and her bra.

Serena turns for her black vest top and light blue over shirt from the hooks where she'd hung them as she changed into her scrubs, ready for theatre earlier that day. However, out of the corner of her eye, she catches sight of movement – the reflection of her pale arm as she reaches for her clothes, her fingertips brush the black cotton before her hand falls and she gives in to the temptation, turning to face the mirror, eyeing her body critically.

" _You can be Miss Piggy."_

Avoiding the reflection of her face, Serena's gaze drifts over her torso, observing the everyday lumps and bumps which hadn't ever particularly bothered her – mostly because there hasn't been anyone else to see them for years – but now something about them seems different.

She isn't as thin as when she met Edward nearly three decades ago, too many glasses of wine and a pregnancy has done for her once trim figure – she's never been a stick insect. A small voice tartly informs her that she can't blame the pregnancy, Eleanor is nineteen now and it isn't lingering baby fat, just... fat. Bending down to zip up her boots, she replays her ex-husband's comment about going as Kermit and Miss Piggy and wonders if that is how he really sees her?

'No', Serena tells herself, turning back and pulling on her everyday clothes, 'Edward is just an idiot'. She reattaches the ever-present necklace around her neck – a present from her Dad for being accepted to study medicine at university – and checks her make-up in the mirror; she discards the scrubs into the appropriate laundry bin and after a quick check reveals she hasn't left anything behind, goes to leave the changing room.

Throwing the door open at the second time of asking – she'd initially forgotten to unlock it, she almost walks straight into six foot of her ex-husband but manages to stop just in time to avoid a collision, tempting as it would be to _accidentally_ knee him in the balls, Serena looks up.

"Ok, that's really rather creepy." She makes a face and tries to sound both sarcastic and disinterested. "Why are you lurking outside the female changing rooms, Edward?"

"Listen, Serena," Edward tactfully decides not to reply to Serena's comment. "About what I said earlier..."

He trails off and Serena realises that this is where she'd usually offer a fiery explanation to which Edward would apologise and things would calm down before the cycle repeats itself. This time, Serena says nothing, letting the silence draw out; she doesn't have the energy or inclination for an argument and she wants to see if Edward knows what it was he said, even if Chantelle did probably tell him.

"Yes?" Serena really doesn't want to spend any more time with her ex-husband than can be helped but it is rather fun to see Edward squirm.

"I'm sorry, it was thoughtless and insensitive and I didn't mean it."

It's on the tip of her tongue to ask exactly _what_ Edward had said which he thought was thoughtless and insensitive but he'd probably be unable to answer and he'd follow her around like a kicked puppy until she told him. Serena doesn't want her ex-husband to realise that his insensitive comment stung so instead she rolls her eyes and falls back into the role she knows best.

"I'm quite used to you opening your mouth without thinking – I've got quite thick skin. Apparently." Edward winces. "It's fine – I'll just add it to the ever-growing list of other stupid things you've said over the last 30 years. And haven't you got some work to be doing? Or at least something which makes you look busy?" Edward nods, grinning with relief, the typical cockiness back in place, he offers her a mock salute, clicking his heels together on the ward's linoleum floor.

"Yes boss."

Serena watches, shaking her head and exhaling forcefully as her ex-husband swans off, making a bee-line for the nearest nurse. His libido isn't her problem any more, in fact Edward isn't her problem any more but that doesn't seem to stop him causing havoc in both her personal and professional lives.

 **…**

Serena gets home quite late and after kicking off her boots, heads, as if on autopilot up the hall in socks and into her kitchen. The next thing she is aware of is a few minutes later as she sits back into the cushions of her sofa with a sizeable glass of plonk in her right hand, emitting a long sigh as she begins the process of trying to relax from the stresses of a long day.

One glass becomes two, the bottle sat on the coffee table in front of her and it doesn't take too long before the bottle is finished. Serena grimaces as she realises, an expression borne of experience of what the morning after a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach feels like. She isn't particularly hungry but Serena makes herself eat some pate on toast, it's not much but it's better than nothing.

Despite her well known love of Shiraz, it is rare that Serena overdoes it – and drinking alone is potentially a rather slippery slope – but more often that not over the years, when she has overdone the the wine, Edward is involved somehow.

 _'You can be Miss. Piggy'_

"Stupid tosser."

Serena curses her ex-husband around the last mouthful of toast, almost choking. As she washes up her plate, scraping the crumbs into the bin, Serena tells herself not to read anything into his words, he's said worse to her in the past. Edward can be charm personified if his libido is talking but when it isn't – and Serena is pretty sure that he has no sexual interest in his ex-wife – then Edward can be a bit (more than a bit) of an insensitive oaf.

 **…**

The next morning when Serena awakes, she already knows that the day is going to be a testing one; it's tempting to burrow back under the covers and ring in sick but she has to be on standby on Darwin for one of Jac's procedures today. It wouldn't be too much trouble to get Ric or Malick to cover but it just isn't worth the grief that the red-headed consultant would give her, never mind the hospital hierarchy. Highly sweetened coffee does little to take the edge off the after-effects of the Shiraz.

Serena blames Edward.

It's a bright, sunny day and all the reflected sunlight off windows doesn't help matters. Serena gets another coffee from Pulses in an attempt to try and appear human before ward rounds. It's not like her to drink at all on a work night, let alone as much as she did; it would seem that she can't cope with it any more – she is apparently quite out of practice.

"Rough night?"

An all too familiar voice whispers in her ear as she waits for the lift and Serena wonders for the briefest of moments if the joy of hearing Edward squeal like a girl as her hot coffee is _accidentally_ spilled over his trousers would be greater than the loss of the caffeine and sugar. The throbbing in her head saves Edward this time.

"I wouldn't have said rough," Serena has a quick glance round to see if anyone else is within hearing range, thankfully it seems like nobody else is close enough to pay the two of them any attention. "This is just the face I make when you talk to me." The lift arrives and Serena steps in, pressing the button for Keller, smirking at the slightly dumbfounded expression on Edward's face as the doors close.

"What's up with you?" Serena stops massaging her temples and looks up to find Jac Naylor entering her office a couple of hours later; the usual social conventions ignored or forgotten, she's never quite sure which.

"I'm all the better for seeing you," The redhead looks coolly amused for a moment by Serena's answer but remains silent, continuing to draw the silence out until Serena feels compelled to admitted that she may have over-indulged last night.

"A whole bottle? You wouldn't catch me doing that." Jac seems perturbed by the admission and Serena rolls her eyes. "Think of all those calories. Ugh. No thanks." Serena flinches - Jac's words are like a slap in the face. "You are going to be fit to help later, aren't you? Or do I need to draft in Malick?"

After spending a minute or two reassuring the Darwin consultant Serena is left alone and she can't help but think that a Naylor right hook probably would've hurt less. It's one thing to be called fat by your ex-husband but an entirely different prospect when that is swiftly followed by remarks from another colleague.

It suggests that Edward might have been right after all.

She doesn't know how long she's been staring into space, biting the inside of her lip as she contemplates Jac's words and doesn't hear Ric enter the office. "Everything alright, Serena?"

"What?" Ric's question slowly registers. "Oh, I've just had Jac Naylor in here..." She trails off, leaving Ric to make his own judgements.

"Ah," he intones, sitting down at his desk. "She can be a bit too honest at times."

"Honest?" She squeaks. That's not something she wanted to hear.

"Yep, you might not like what she has to say but you can guarantee that Jac won't lie to you." Ric takes a sip of his drink. "So what did she say?" Serena finds she can't meet Ric's gaze; part of her is desperate to ask him if he thinks she's put on weight recently but the question remains unasked on the tip of her tongue.

"Errr, just something about my role in her operation later." She bends the truth, not wanting to admit what it was. As the seconds draw on, Serena realises it would be foolish to ask him, not only would it put her friend in an awkward position, she couldn't bear to see Ric answer with a lie.

 **...**

 **AN2: Is it starting to become a little clearer?**


	3. Chapter 3

The key slides into the lock and turns easily and Serena steps into her house, still automatically listening for audible clues to Eleanor's whereabouts and company but her daughter is away at University now and won't be home until Christmas; the realisation causes Serena a moment of sadness – she and Eleanor would argue a lot of the time and drive each other half mad but that doesn't stop Serena from missing her daughter and she hopes that Eleanor misses her too. On nights like tonight when the house seems emptier than ever, she definitely misses the often stroppy teenager who would fill the house with noise, even when she was trying to be quiet.

Serena exhales softly as she toes off her boots, feet tired and aching as she pads along the hall to the kitchen taking today's post with her. For once she had managed to get away from work on time, or as close to on time as she was ever likely to get and the last vestiges of light are slowly disappearing over the roofs of the houses opposite her as she sets the envelopes down on the main island, automatically moving to get herself a well earned glass of wine to help her unwind from her day. The aftermath of last night's excess already forgotten and unlike yesterday, today is Friday and Serena isn't due at work again until Monday.

Leaning against a work station, Serena thumbs through the letters, two bills which she sets to one side to deal with later, some Tesco vouchers, a catalogue and some junk mail, nothing of any interest. Serena disposes of the junk mail and as she does so, her stomach rumbles, reminding her that she hasn't had anything to eat for several hours except a reasonably constant stream of coffee and paracetamol tablets to get her ready for assisting with Jac's operation. In the end, Serena hadn't been needed – the Darwin consultant had sliced and diced with barely a hitch.

Eleanor has only been gone a couple of weeks and Serena still hasn't quite become used to cooking for one, her portion sizes are still far too generous. It does mean that she is eating leftovers nearly every other night at the moment but that suits her well enough, there are some nights she just can't be bothered to cook a meal from scratch when she comes in from work and tonight is one of them. She has some lasagne in the fridge from the other day which needs eating up and she'd been rather looking forward to it since she remembered about it late afternoon.

Six or seven minutes later, the microwave pings and the smell of herbs, cream, cheese and garlic wafts out into the kitchen when she opens the door, making her hungry. Serena is no stranger to cooking, in fact part of what sold this particular house to her was the kitchen she's currently stood in; just before marrying Edward, Serena had learned to cook with the same drive and determination that she had shown in her professional life to become first a doctor, then a registrar, promoted to a consultant general surgeon and now deputy CEO of Holby General Hospital. She'd been successful, a little too successful if Edward's off-hand comment is anything to go by.

" _You can be Miss Piggy."_

And just like that, Serena is back on Keller, her ex-husband grinning at her as he insults her. She'd already eaten a mouthful of lasagne, the rich creamy sauce mixing with the minced meat but she can't force herself to eat a second bite. Serena is still hungry but she's rather losing her appetite; lasagne isn't what she should be eating and wine isn't what she should be drinking – it's little wonder that Edward made the comment.

" _Think of all those calories."_

A voice sounding suspiciously like Jac Naylor's joins in and Serena looks at her almost untouched glass of wine, on the table next to her plate; she had automatically poured it as is her wont when she is stressed and Edward has definitely stressed her out. However, Serena looks at it and she can see calories, calories that she doesn't need and grimacing slightly, she gets up and pours the drink away. She scowls when her gaze falls back onto the lasagne, all she can see is the creamy sauce and the thought of it makes her feel a bit sick; she knows that she won't eat it now and with a mixture of reluctance and impatience, Serena scrapes her mostly uneaten dinner into the bin.

Stalking through into the living room, Serena turns on the TV, none of the programmes maintaining her interest; she can't concentrate, knowing her luck as she flicks through the channels, the Muppets show will be on just to rub Edward's thoughtlessness in a bit more. Turns the TV off, stabbing the button on the remote a little harder than necessary and she sighs, sitting back on the sofa, it's too early to go to bed but she's at a loss of what to do.

The irony isn't lost on her; there are days when she'd kill to have a couple of uninterrupted hours, a golden opportunity to relax and forget about the day's stresses but now faced with the prospect of nothing to do until tomorrow morning, the idea isn't as appealing as it might have been. After sitting on the sofa for what feels like ages but is less than five minutes according to the clock on the wall, Serena heads upstairs to run herself a hot bath.

An hour immersing herself in hot water and bubbles with a good book sounds just the thing to unwind from the stresses of the day. Henrik Hanssen has recently taken over from the inept Guy Self as CEO to the relief of the rest of the senior staff and the lack of tension is slowly filtering down to the rest of the staff so that's one less thing to worry about. She can't help but smile to herself, who would have imagined that she'd be so pleased to work with the brooding Swede again.

Serena locks the bathroom door out of habit, it hasn't occurred to her yet that there's no need for such an action because she lives by herself these days, no parents, no husband, no daughter. No friends or lovers either. Several minutes later, the bath is steadily filling, tendrils of steam rising from the water and Serena begins to remove her clothing, starting with her the buttons on her colourful over-shirt until she shrugs the material off her shoulders, dropping it onto the bathroom floor where she stands, uncaring that it will crease.

She stands naked in front of the bathroom mirror for a couple of minutes, eyeing her body more critically than she did before, running her hands over her hips and stomach, mentally cataloguing what she feels.

" _You can be Miss Piggy."_

An hour later, Serena gets out of the bath feeling a little bit better – she's felt quite sorry for herself all day and she ruefully admits to herself that it's probably a good thing she hasn't drunk any alcohol this evening, she's a rather maudlin drunk at the best of times and if she was to drink every time Edward did something thoughtless, she'd wind up make her Dad look like a sainted teetotaller.

'It's just a phase' she tells herself, certain that she'll snap out of it tomorrow. Serena pads in the bedroom and pulls on her pyjamas, trying to ignore the little voice which tells her that they are a little bit snug.

 **…**

The alarm is an unwelcome intrusion into Serena's fitful sleep on Monday morning, the harsh mechanical noise is relentless until an unsteady hand reluctantly escapes the warmth of the duvet and silences it. She groans, not ready for the day and the likely stresses it will bring; she hadn't slept well last night and already her patience is thin.

Twenty minutes later, as Serena is getting dressed, she catches sight of herself in her full-length bedroom mirror. She moves a couple of feet to her right until she's stood in front of it in only her underwear. Her hips seem very wide this morning, or perhaps she just hadn't noticed last night, her thighs and stomach seem to grow bigger as she stares at their reflection, gaining pounds as she watches. Her eyes track up her body to settle on her face which is way too round and she scowls, turning away from the mirror and dressing silently with her back to the reflection.

In the car on her way into work, Serena barely notices the congested traffic and isn't paying any attention to the morning radio; she bites the inside of her cheek lightly – an unconscious habit when she's deep in thought – as she reluctantly makes herself work through what Edward said to her yesterday.

In terms of body weight, she's not in Elliot Hope's league nor is Serena anywhere like Jac Naylor (not that Serena wants to look like the perpetually emaciated looking Darwin Consultant either) but Serena can't deny that she is carrying a bit more weight these days than she should be; a largely sedentary job and a haphazard diet – she has to grab a bite to eat when she can at work - combined with alcohol on a too regular schedule has meant that her weight has been steadily creeping up for a few years now.

'It's little wonder Edward suggested Miss Piggy', Serena thinks to herself glumly as she indicates and turns off down a side road in an attempt to find an alternative route to work. As Serena changes gears, she tries to recall the name of the psychological model which contains denial and anger; she was certainly angry yesterday at Edward, at his unthinking comment but she's spent too long denying that her weight is a problem, her ex-husband's words served as a wake up call. It's about time she did something about it.

By the time that Serena pulls into her allotted car parking space at the hospital, she has a plan, of sorts.

As of this morning, she is going to start on a diet by eating less every day. In it's simplest terms, weight loss occurs when more energy is burned than is consumed and Serena doesn't need to be a doctor to know that. Her desk-bound job means that her energy expenditure is minimal throughout her working day so during the first couple of weeks of this new diet, Serena plans to completely skip the least important meal of her day – lunch – it's often hit-or-miss as to whether she actually eats lunch at work anyway so she figures that it's the meal she'll miss the least.

However, by the time that Serena walks across the car park to the main hospital entrance, she has realised that her plan of skipping lunch isn't going to work. She shares about 90% of her shift pattern with Ric Griffin and she knows that her colleague would notice that she wasn't eating and start to ask questions that she doesn't want to answer. Out of habit, Serena veers to the right and stands in the queue for Pulses and her usual coffee and muffin and it takes her nearly twenty seconds to remember that she needs to cut down on unnecessary calories and she slips out of the line, pretending to check her mobile phone.

Edward is waiting for the lift, hot drink in one hand and a pastry in the other, oblivious to her presence as he flirts with a nurse, at least Serena assumes the poor woman is a nurse. Serena manages to stride past him without her ex-husband noticing and she takes the stairs and is embarrassingly out of breath by the time she gets to Keller – the foyer area of the hospital is perpetually infused with the rich smell of coffee and warm food which would only make her hungry and likely to fail her new diet before it's even begun.

"Morning," Serena returns Ric's greeting with a brief smile as she lets herself into the office that they share. "Yes, alright, the traffic was appalling this morning. There were roadworks but of course nobody working at them, all feet up with a cup of tea so in the end I came round past Tesco." Serena answers Ric's good-natured jibe about his being at work before her.

Once her ward rounds are done, Serena settles down at her desk for an hour or so of paperwork, one of her job's necessary evils that she can't ignore. She had already decided not to tell Ric about her new diet; his heart is in the right place but that doesn't stop him from being a righteous old sod at times and she knows that he would lecture her about her choice, accusing her of starving herself or some other rubbish. All she plans to do is to eat less, it isn't anything major, lots of people do it and yet Ric would probably turn it into some kind of drama.

He'd almost certainly forget that she's a doctor with years of medical training and experience, she knows what she's doing.

Shortly before lunchtime, she and Ric are stood at one end of the ward huddled around an iPad, trying to agree on a course of action for a recently admitted patient, it's a routine operation but scans have revealed possible complications and the two consultants can't seem to agree on how to proceed. Mid-way through a proposal, Ric's argument is halted mid-sentence when Serena's stomach rumbles.

Loudly.

"Hungry, Serena?" Ric teases her and Serena attempts to dismiss her friend's attention, with Eleanor at University, there is no-one at home to witness that she hadn't eaten anything Friday night or that she'd skipped breakfast this morning.

"I'm fine." She answers quickly, glaring at Ric when she catches him smiling as her stomach rumbles for the second time in as many moments. Serena continues to debate about the patient, gradually drawing her friend's attention back to work and she ignores how hungry she's feeling, which is made harder by knowing she won't be eating until probably after 8pm tonight.

It's all part of the plan and Serena knows that losing weight isn't easy.

 **AN2: Hands up if you think this will end well?**


	4. Chapter 4

About ten days later, Serena stands at the end of a bed on Keller, observing Dr. Digby dealing with a patient, the junior doctor is much improved already from the last time she observed him. It doesn't take too long and after speaking with Digby, a few quiet words of feedback, she turns back up the ward. She can see Ric Griffin and Chantelle Lane both looking at her and talking, stopping as she draws nearer.

"Were you two talking about me?" Serena asks, only half joking.

"Can you blame us?" Rics answers, his smooth answer forcing an unexpected smile from her. It would be all too easy to start flirting back and reluctantly Serena lets it go. There's been an attraction between the two of them since she arrived in Holby but there's never been a right time and in front of the wide-eyed nurse is certainly not the right time.

It's a shame really.

"Well in that case I'll leave you two old women to your gossiping." Serena heads back to the office, hoping that neither of her colleagues hear her stomach rumbling as she goes.

A little while later, Serena's attention is held by the work in front of her and the feeling of hunger has receded. She's becoming quite used to constantly feeling hungry, in some ways, it's becoming a comfort to her, a reminder of what she's trying to achieve.

"Hey, I got you a sandwich, I noticed you hadn't had any lunch yet." Ric ambles into the office.

"You didn't need to." Internally Serena is grimacing, she doesn't want to eat anything but can't think of a reason that Ric would accept for not accepting the food.

"It's no big deal," Ric answers, a little too casually for Serena's liking, "I was getting one for myself and it made sense to get you something at the same time. Ham ok?"

"Well, thank you for looking out for me." She forces a smile to her face.

"My pleasure, Serena." He smiles at her, not able to hide the hint of worry when he looks at her. Serena isn't sure what to make of his comment and pretends to ignore it and the peculiar blend of relief and concern doesn't escape her notice as she opens the plastic packet.

Nibbling at the one corner of the tasteless sandwich, Serena feels like sighing as she mechanically chews; she has no desire to eat anything and would like nothing more than to bin the food, however, she needs to let Ric see her eating, Serena can't be certain but she thinks that he is starting to suspect something is wrong.

"Ric!" An all too familiar voice calls out from her left at the doorway and she looks up, taking the opportunity to put the barely touched sandwich back into the plastic wrapping, next to the untouched second half, "the young guy out there, dark hair, glasses. Digby is it? Anyway, he needs a hand talking a patient into providing a blood sample." Ric nods his understanding and leaves the office, walking past Edward who waits until they're alone before stepping inside and shutting the door behind him.

Serena watches his progress across the office and can't decide whether she hates her ex-husband for pointing out the obvious or is pathetically grateful for not keeping her in the dark and letting her know how everyone else sees her.

How fat she is.

"What do you want, Edward?" Irrespective of her feelings about his comment, _the_ comment, Serena is still less than impressed by Edward's arrival and continued presence at the hospital. By this time, Edward has made his way over to her desk and perched himself on the side, moving her carefully ordered files to create himself a seat.

"Are you going to eat that?" He tilts his head to indicate the abandoned sandwich and Serena shakes her head and pushes it towards him, grateful to get rid of the thing. Edward dutifully obliges and almost inhales the sandwich, the food disappearing in two or three mouthfuls before he starts on the second half which disappears equally quickly. Serena shakes her head, he looks like a man who hasn't eaten in weeks.

"You didn't even check what was in it." Serena frowns as the final piece of her lunch is consumed and Edward just grins at her, a trademark expression and one which once had an effect on her. Not any more.

"There was no need," Edward shrugs, "I've known you for thirty years – you've got great taste, Rena." Serena rolls her eyes.

"Not in men." She responds tartly but either Edward ignores it or misses her comment, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He then twists around awkwardly to discard the plastic wrapper, somehow managing not to fall off the desk as he drops the plastic packaging into the bin.

'It's not fair', Serena thinks as her gaze runs across her ex-husband's body, that Edward can eat and drink and whatever he wants but not put any weight on, maintain a similar weight to when they met in their mid twenties whereas Serena has apparently ballooned in that time, enough to draw an unfavourable comparison to a porcine muppet. She is careful to look away before Edward can turn around and see her and think that she's ogling him.

"Did you actually want something other than my lunch?" Serena asks in a tone which would unnerve 99% of hospital staff, her voice sounding brusque even to her own ears but again Edward appears unconcerned – apparently 13 years of marriage and nearly the same again in a fraught post-divorce state of cold warfare has inured him to any threats in her voice.

"Can't I just sit and talk to you?" His grin is back and his blue eyes look amused.

"No – I'm too busy." She deliberately picks up a pad of paper and starts writing in it, as if to prove her point.

A warm hand makes its way into Serena's field of vision, trapping her right hand and rendering her unable to continue writing, Serena looks up and glares. "Not even to reminisce about old times?" Serena tugs her hand free and folds her arms across her chest, leaning back in her chair so that he can't touch her.

"Don't make me answer that." Evidently this time Edward picks up on the emotion behind her words and he swallows his initial comeback, looking thoughtfully at her for a few seconds before he speaks again.

"Ok." Edward holds his hands up in an odd parody of surrender. "I did have a reason to see you."

"Go on..." Serena warily responds, ready to tell him where to stick his next sentence if it starts with 'I need a favour'.

"To get you to come to this party-"

"No. I'm busy." Serena cuts him off straight away before he can get going. She isn't sure whether she's on call that night but she can always change the rota so that she is. "I'm working, anyway."

"Take the evening off." Edward suggests as if he'd expected that answer, in a casual manner which has always grated against Serena's nerves; her ex-husband's belief that planning isn't necessary, that going through life winging every situation that he finds himself in is just fine.

"And deprive some poor sod who actually _wants_ to go?" Edward shrugs again.

"You're the boss, you can do what you want."

"That's not how it works. If there's nothing else, nothing sensible, bugger off Edward, I'm busy." Edward shrugs again and Serena briefly wonders when he picked up this habit – she's never known him to shrug as much as he has done in this exchange.

"I'll try again later." He picks himself up off the table and heads towards the door.

"Save yourself the time," Serena responds without looking up, "don't bother."

The next day, Ric interrupts the comfortable quiet of their office and he throws his pen down onto his desk, stands and stretches. "I've had enough of that at the moment – I'm going to get some lunch, want me to pick you something up?"

"No thanks – I've already eaten." Serena declines and the lie is out before she can think. It takes Ric all of half a second to reply but Serena holds her breath, waiting for him to catch her out.

It doesn't happen.

"If you're sure." Ric roots around for his wallet and leaves and Serena sighs in relief.

She leans forward, ostensibly reading the file in front of her but in reality, Serena is deep in thought – she doesn't need lunch today, she doesn't need the calories, she sneaks a look down at her midriff and sneers, there's plenty to spare.

 **...**

She had lost over half a stone in the first ten days of her new diet which surprised her; although intellectually, Serena knows that most of it is fluid but she's becoming rather fixated on the numbers her bathroom scales are telling her.

To her frustration her weight begins to plateau and over the next few weeks, in an attempt to continue her weight loss, Serena finds herself venturing into the gym at the Holby leisure centre once or twice after work and immediately feels out of place. After a couple of weeks, Serena finds herself too tired to go to the gym after work and she begins to skip it. In fact, Serena finds there's something almost comforting about the sense of failure when she doesn't go to the gym or when she eats a meal; the presence of the snide voice telling her how fat she is keeps her eating in check.

Serena simultaneously avoids and seeks out her reflection; hoping to see some weight loss but knowing she won't, the woman staring back is still too fat. She knows and accepts that she's never going to become a 6 stone supermodel – she just wants to lose some weight, so she doesn't draw comparisons with a pig.

One night after Edward managed to upset her yet again, Serena stalks through the house in a foul mood and in a fit of pique roughly opens up her kitchen cupboards goes through them, throwing away the food she doesn't need. She supposes that normally Serena would have opened a bottle of wine by now but after looking up how many calories there are in a bottle of wine one lunchtime, Serena has resolved not to drink until she hits her target weight. The purge of food leaves her with next to nothing but she feels better for having done it.

As she heads to bed that evening, ignoring the almost constant feeling of hunger, Serena refuses to accept that there's anything wrong with what she's doing; she is a doctor after all, she knows what the signs of eating disorders are and tells herself that she's still in control of all of this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: apologies for the delays, work's been very busy to the tune of 70 hour weeks but a short something here to move things along.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **…**

"Bed 8."

"Bed 3."

"Bed 4."

Serena counts the folders out as she hands them over and turns away to grab a pen off the cluttered desk in AAU and it takes a moment for Serena to realise that Harry Tressler is still stood there and she glares at him.

"Don't just stand there, I've got more jobs for you when you're done with that." Harry just looks down at the files in his hands.

"Move."

Serena almost barks the command and the younger doctor obliges, startled, scuttling away across the ward. She catches sight of Mary-Claire Carter smirking at the exchange until the Irish nurse catches Serena's gaze when she decides to make herself scarce as well.

The most sensible thing the nurse has done all day.

It's been just over a month since Edward's comments about her weight and the lack of food and wine – especially the lack of wine - is making Serena tired and grouchy almost all of the time, what patience she did have has long since vanished. It's probably a good thing that Eleanor is away at University because Mother and Daughter would have maimed each other at least a fortnight ago, both of them fiery and impatient. The staff, although unaware of the reason for the consultant's limited patience recently still know better than to incur Serena's wrath by drawing attention to themselves and so the ward is the most efficient it's been since she arrived at Holby, something that hasn't gone unnoticed by Hanssen. The Swedish CEO had appeared on AAU and remarked as much to her one afternoon.

"Yes, well, Henrik." Serena looks up at the immaculately suited Swede and smirks. "It's better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both."

"Machiavelli, Ms. Campbell?" The expression on his face indicates amusement and Serena wonders if she'll ever understand Henrik Hanssen. The expression surprises her, Serena doubts that Hanssen has ever been a laugh-a-minute man but since his return from Sweden earlier in the year, he's seemed unhappier than ever before.

"It was that or _Mein Kampf_ and for some reason quoting that makes people uneasy." The flippant response provokes a smile from the aloof Director of Surgery.

"Err, Ms. Campbell..." A familiar northern Irish accent speaks from her right, interrupting her reminiscing. Serena snaps shut the patient file she has in her hand.

"Yes." She answers sharply, turning round to see Mary-Claire who apparently changes her mind.

"Oh, err, don't worry." Serena rolls her eyes and mutters something about being surrounded by idiots.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's just that..." Serena raises an eyebrow, waiting for Mary-Claire to put her foot in her mouth. "Have you been on a diet recently?"

"A diet?" That wasn't what she was expecting to hear; the nurse stammers, mistaking Serena's surprise for imminent explosion.

"Yes, well, it's just that I thought you'd lost a bit of weight recently and that it looks really good on you." Mary-Claire hurriedly explains, almost babbling, obviously fearing a verbal evisceration and goes to make herself scarce but Serena stops her.

"Thank you," she can see that she's surprised her colleague. "You're the first to have noticed. I was starting to wonder if it was worth it."

"Certainly is." The nurse relaxes a little. "That is, if you don't mind my saying?"

"I, errr, can't say I do mind." Serena offers the nurse a quick smile.

Mary-Claire slips away, over to a patient who is trying to get out of their bed and Serena watches her go, not sure what to think about the fact that someone had noticed but a large part of her is pathetically grateful that the reaction was positive. The nurse's comment puts a smile on Serena's face – she's doing the right thing.

Intellectually she knows it's reinforcing what could become a dangerous cycle but it's not serious yet, she's too pleased by the comment from the notoriously vain nurse to care – just some weight loss.

So far, everything is fine, perfectly safe.

 **...**

 **AN2: Yeah, not sure that's going to help Serena...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Chapters are like buses, you wait weeks for one and then two turn up within a few days!**

 **Enjoy.**

 **…**

"Errr, Ms. Campbell?" Serena looks over the top of the computer screen at the doctor in front of her, their light blue scrubs filling the doorway into the office.

"Mmm?"

"There's a patient in bed 5..."

"Good to know."

"Well there's something not quite right with them." It takes a decent amount of willpower not to be sarcastic and comment that people in hospital generally have something wrong with them. She raises an eyebrow at the doctor.

"What is it?"

"Probably best if you just look." She fixes the doctor in front of her with a stare but they remain unfazed.

"Fine." Sighing softly to herself, Serena stands and follows Dr. Rogers across the ward – the junior doctor means well but needs to trust his training a bit more instead of running every thought about every patient through the on-call consultant. Then again, Serena supposes she prefers that the junior staff are on the cautious side rather than too brash and end up doing some damage. It's been quite a quiet shift and a quick glance round confirms that Harry Tressler is still in theatre watching Michael Spence show off, not that Serena minds too much because if Michael is in theatre, he isn't bothering her on the ward.

The patient is a young man, about 18 or 19 years old, holding his side with a grimace.

"Right then, Mr..." Serena glances at the whiteboard at the head of the bed. "Cooper, what-"

"Call me Martin – Mr. Cooper makes me sound well old."

"Martin." Serena amends. "What's happened to you?"

"I fell over at work, hit my side." He tries to shrug but winces and Serena wants to roll her eyes at the show of attempted bravado.

"Ok, let's take a look at you then." Serena pulls on some gloves and carefully unbuttons part of the man's shirt and peels it away so she can see the injured area.

The first thing she notices is that he is very thin, almost painfully so (in fact, he would make the hospital's Swedish CEO look almost like a normal human being) and then she sees his torso, covered in bruises and realises why Dr. Rogers wanted her to deal with this. The bruising extends over a large section of the skin she can see.

"Is this just from the fall?" Serena asks, not believing it for a second – these bruises are older and the man looks like he's been thoroughly beaten up and as she looks a second time, she can see that a black eye is fading. The man laughs then winces again.

"It's not what you think," he says, ruefully.

"And how do you know what I'm thinking?" She raises an eyebrow at him and he grins good-naturedly.

"You think I've been in a fight, maybe after a few drinks?" She inclines her head a little in acknowledgement. "I haven't, well, I have but it's okay, it's all safe – I'm a boxer." He tells her and Serena's eyebrow raises a little higher.

"So aren't you meant to _avoid_ being hit?"

"I'm turning pro next year."

"Is that wise?" She asks, pointedly looking at the man's bruised and battered torso.

"It's not as bad as it looks," he explains. "I always bruise easily at this time of the season."

"Season?" Serena frowns, she wasn't aware there was a boxing season.

"Boxing is a weight category sport, right?"

"Heavyweight is about all I know." She asks, boxing has never held her interest – the thought of two men beating seven shades of hell out of each other doesn't really do much for her – so her knowledge of it is minimal.

"Exactly. I'm just gearing up for my first fight back after injury and I have to get to a specific weight or the fight is off." Serena is vaguely aware of the weight categories but a glance back at the rake thin but muscular body in front of her makes her wonder.

"How much do you have to gain?" Serena asks causing him to smile at her.

"No, I got to lose weight." Serena can feel her eyebrows raise again, feeling like they've disappeared somewhere off into her hair.

"But there's nothing of you."

"Still got 4 kilos to go."

"How on earth...?"

"Basically you have to burn more calories than you're putting in, right?" Serena nods and listens as he starts to tell her about weight loss methods that boxers use. Part of Serena is horrified by what she hears, the lengths that the man in front of her and other boxers will go to to shed weight; she knows that she shouldn't continue to listen and should stop him and tell him what he is going to do to his health but a darker part of her is keeping her silent, hanging on every word he tells her.

"Every calorie is a war." Eventually he finishes up and Serena blinks, slipping back into doctor mode, telling him that he's damaging his health, he's running the risk of organ damage and all kinds of other problems in later life.

"I've heard it before doc." He tells her, politely enough yet she can't help but think that the man lying in front of her is Eleanor's age and the thought of Eleanor subjecting herself to something like that doesn't bear thinking about.

"I can't _not_ tell you. I have a duty of care to my patients." Serena is running on autopilot, a hundred thoughts running through her head.

"I suppose so but you won't get me to change my mind about it all." He looks determined. "A heads up, so you don't waste your breath." Serena purses her lips, it's obvious that what he is doing is dangerous for his health but there isn't much that Serena can do about his refusal to listen at this stage. He grimaces again, holding his side.

"At least you looked like you were listening to me." She concedes, knowing that she won't get anywhere. "Right then, how about we address why you're here?" Serena calls a nurse over, ready to order an X-Ray, some other tests and chase up the ED for their admission notes.

A short while later, Serena heads back to the AAU office and sits in her chair, lost in thought about what the boxer has just said about weight loss. Chewing the inside of her lip Serena sits there until Michael Spence comes back in after his surgery.

"Yo, Rena, what's up?" He asks in a familiar, American accent and Serena starts to tell him about her patient, the condition of his body.

"You think he's being abused?" Michael asks, causing Serena to look up suddenly.

"What? No, no. At least I don't think so. I don't know, it's just..." She trails off and shrugs, unable to explain about the part of her which is intrigued without giving too much information away. Her stomach picks that moment to start rumbling and Michael laughs, teasing her that her concern is linked to her hunger.

For the next few days after the boxer's discharge from hospital, the man isn't far from Serena's thoughts. It's not the first time that thinking about a patient has kept her awake at night but this is a first; lying in bed, Serena realises that her own weight loss has plateaued, no matter what she does, she can't seem to shift the next few pounds. She needs to try something else and some of what the boxer told her seemed pretty reasonable – he had taken things too far but Serena knows that she won't – she is a doctor after all.

 **AN2: Of course she won't take things too far...**

 **Would love to know what you're thinking**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I should probably point out that I am not a doctor, have never been one, have never trained to be one. My medical knowledge is entirely work-based first aid which is pretty much along the lines of 'if it hurts, stick a plaster on it'.**

 **Any medical inaccuracies are therefore mine (and possibly Wikipedia's!). Feel free to point them out though.**

 **There may be some similarities with a current plot line on Holby, that is accidental and not by design. I did spend a bit of time wondering whether to keep it in or not but have decided to.**

 **Enjoy.**

Chapter 7

After several weeks of skipping meals and eating less every day, Serena looks into her bathroom mirror with an angry disappointment. The scales tell her that she has lost nearly two stone and yet when she looks into the mirror, there isn't any change so far as she could tell. All Serena can see is ugly fat.

" _You can be Miss. Piggy."_

Edward's comment seems to follow her around and haunt her when she is at home, the long hours until her next shift seem endless with nobody else to speak to and nothing else to do but think. In response, Serena starts to spend more time at work to counteract the almost constant loneliness and try to silence the voice which never ceases in its criticism of her failure to lose weight. The lack of food is starting to take a toll on her, recently Serena has had to be careful when she stands up, more than once she's felt light-headed and nearly stumbled.

Thankfully she's been on her own when it's happened until one afternoon when having spent the last hour and a bit focused on her computer screen, for once able to maintain some semblance of concentration. Serena had stood up out of her chair and as she does so, large black spots invade her vision, she suddenly feels unbalanced and dimly aware that she's about to fall over. She grabs at the edge of her desk and she takes a couple of deep breaths, eyes closed until some form of equilibrium is restored and the thumping pressure in her head recedes.

"Serena!"

After a couple of seconds, she becomes aware of Ric stood next to her, she blinks a couple of times and looks at the concerned expression on her colleague's face. He has his arm around her and Serena tries not to flinch but instead pulls herself away lest he feel some evidence of her shameful secret beneath his hands.

"I'm fine, Ric." She laughs the incident off, sheepishly admitting that she's just dehydrated. "I got so caught up in all of this that I hadn't realised. It's nothing, honestly."

"Sit." Ric isn't convinced and his hands on her shoulders push her back down into her chair, Serena doesn't fight him, she hasn't got the strength to. "Right, stay there." He disappears out of the office, ignoring her call that she isn't a puppy to be ordered around.

He returns a couple of minutes later with a cup of tea and a glass of water and Serena can't bring herself to be angry with him; he might be an old-school dinosaur with the top speed of a glacier at times but despite their differences, she can't deny that he really does care for her. She smiles through his questions about if she's okay and gives him a deliberately vague answer about being caught up in a project for Hanssen and the board.

"Thank you for looking after me." It's been longer than Serena would care to admit since anyone did something as benign as make her a cup of tea and show an interest in her well-being and she is trying her best to ignore the small lump in her throat which is threatening to form in the face of Ric's simple kindness.

"Any time, Serena."

"You didn't have to."

"No, but maybe I want to." Serena doesn't want to read too much into Ric's answer and she smiles briefly over the cup of tea at him before sipping. She feels better when it's finished and tells her colleague as much. His unconvinced smile lets her know she isn't off the hook and she's afraid that he's noticed something she doesn't want him to.

Over the next few days, Serena can no longer ignore the fact that her energy levels have fallen through the floor and her sense of fatigue gets worse by the day. Her attention span and patience are shorter than she can remember them being for years and her emotions are all over the shop; if she didn't know better, Serena could be forgiven for wondering if she was pregnant.

After an elective surgery one morning, Serena is sat, partially dressed, on the wooden bench in the changing room on Keller, almost slumped back against the upright and eyes closed. The door is locked so she isn't concerned about anyone coming in catching sight of her still too-fat body but she is feeling absolutely drained of energy; Serena used to be able to do several elective surgeries in a day and keep coming back for more but this morning's routine hernia has pretty much wiped her out.

She just needs more energy.

Opening her eyes she forces herself to get dressed and discard the raspberry ripple shapeless wonders that Keller uses. Serena used to hate them, the way they emphasised how fat she was but now she's almost grateful to them, they hide her changing body shape well enough. Nurse Carter may have noticed Serena's weight loss but she doesn't want anyone else to start asking questions so she sticks with her usual, large, flowing shirts. As she stands in front of the mirror, carefully reapplying make-up to her face in an attempt to cover the dark bags around her eyes, Serena contemplates how to restore her energy levels, eating more isn't going to work, it isn't an option because she still hasn't reached her target weight yet.

But once she has reached her target weight, Serena has promised herself that she will start to eat properly again. However, she's quite a way off yet but she needs something to get her through the days without her lack of energy and focus putting patients at risk. She has been drinking black coffee by the gallon but that seems to be having less and less of an effect these days and she'll have to think of something soon.

 **…**

A couple of days later, Serena is down on AAU in the office, trying her best to block out the sound of a patient with possibly the lowest pain threshold of anyone she's ever met in her career bleating at the nurses again.

"Can't you prescribe me something?" The irritating, whiny voice continues and Serena rolls her eyes. "I'm dying of agony here." This time, Serena gets up to shut the door to the small office she shares with Michael Spence when she works on AAU, thinking uncharitably 'if only you were, it'd be a damn sight quieter'.

Serena manages to sit in the delightfully quiet office for all of two minutes before the door is opened and the patient's voice invades her all too brief respite again. Serena grinds her teeth at the interruption.

"What is it?"

"Sorry to bother you, Ms. Campbell, would you have a word with Miss. Pierce?"

"No need – I can hear her perfectly well from here." Serena grumbles at the Irish nurse before capitulating. Reluctantly she follows Mary-Claire out onto the ward and aware that her patience is next to non-existent these days, takes a deep breath before closing the distance to bed four.

"I'm dying, Doc." The plaintive voice just irritates her.

"Somehow I doubt it." Serena's far from enthusiastic response goes seemingly unnoticed and the patient launches into a laundry list of medical woes which makes Serena want to pinch the bridge of her nose. She is waiting for the first mention of breathing difficulties and she will happily refer Miss. Pierce up to Darwin to let Jac Naylor sharpen her claws.

"What about something to take the edge off my nerves?"

"No and certainly not before your surgery." Serena looks around, not entirely sure whether she's looking for divine inspiration or just a pillow to smother the woman lying in front of her. However the solution to her question saunters onto the ward and Serena calls out to Edward. It's not often that Serena can refer to her ex-husband as being the answer to her prayers but today he fits the bill.

Edward struts over and Serena is looking forward to seeing the permanent shit-eating grin wiped off his face as he attempts to escape. She turns to Miss. Pierce and introduce her ex-husband. "Miss. Pierce, this is Mr. Campbell, he's going to be the consultant anaesthetist for your operation and will be able to talk you through any of your concerns. Edward." With a nod to her ex-husband, Serena steps away and heads back across the ward.

It isn't until she's shut the office door again that she allows the smirk to turn into a full-bodied laugh. Collapsing into the chair she vacated only a few minutes earlier, Serena feels drained already and it's only mid-morning – the feeling of exhaustion creeping up on her earlier every day. Not for the first time, her mind turns towards trying to find a solution – food is out of the question – something needs to change and soon.

Serena is rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands when the idea comes to her and she stops rubbing, her eyes taking a second or two to focus as she roots around in one of the desk drawers until she finds what she is looking for.

A prescription pad.

 **…**

Serena slams the front door behind her and leans back against it feeling wiped out. Not only has the lack of food over the past few weeks depleted her energy store and left her running on empty, all the adrenaline of the last hour has dissipated, leaving her to feel worse than ever.

Blinking slowly, Serena mechanically withdraws her Holby General Hospital pass from the left pocket of her coat and hangs it up so she won't forget it in the morning. She then unwraps her scarf and hangs that up, followed swiftly by her coat and boots. Only then does she reach into the right hand pocket of her coat, cold fingers closing around the source of this evening's anxiety.

Serena had stepped out of the dark and chilly night, the wind giving the darkness a wintry edge and into the bright warmth of the late-night Chemist. Furtively checking the aisles to make sure she doesn't see anyone she knows, Serena makes her way over to the prescriptions counter, one hand gripping the slip of paper, the other hand tightly clutching her NHS ID card in her pocket until the edges of the plastic leave marks in her skin, out of sight.

As the queue had slowly moved forward, Serena's anxiety grew, what she is doing is so wrong that she is just waiting for the pharmacist to take one look at her and know exactly what she's doing. By the time she got to the front of the queue, Serena was almost shaking as she handed over the prescription form but the pharmacist barely spared her a glance and a couple of minutes later she was leaving, back out into the cold night.

Sat now at a chair in the kitchen, Serena stares at the drugs in her hand and turns the packet over, allowing the paper bag to flutter to the floor. Suddenly aware of how serious everything seems to have become, Serena makes a pact with herself, she'll use them over the next few days to get her back up and running again but after that, she promises herself that she'll only use them when she really has to.

There is no way she is going to allow herself to become dependent on them.

 **…**

Within days Serena is feeling much more like her old self – the tablets are a Godsend and her energy is back to her usual levels. For the first time in what feels like ages, she has felt confident enough to schedule back-to-back surgeries and she'd sailed through them. Admittedly they were both routine slicing and dicing but it's a weight off Serena's shoulders that she hadn't been aware of carrying.

Her patient safely back onto the ward, Serena scoops up her iPad from behind the nurses' station and engrossed in the data on the screen, she crosses the ward and steps into the office she shares with Ric. Something out of the corner of her eye catches her attention and Serena looks up and she sees Ric stood next to his desk, looking concerned.

"Ms. Campbell," another familiar voice from behind her belonging to the tall, immaculately suited hospital CEO makes her jump, she hadn't spotted Hanssen. "We have something of a problem..."

"What kind of problem?" She asks warily, glancing between the two male consultants, inching towards her desk.

The Swede's expression is inscrutable as ever which makes Serena nervous as he and Ric solemnly stare at her although she does her best to hide her reaction. As the seconds tick on, Serena's mind starts to conjure various possibilities of what they are about to say to her.

 **AN2: Ooo-err!**


End file.
